The Way I Am

Save me
from this sadness it's coming
or take me
before my smile it's dissolving
wake me
from this nightmare i'm entering
don't let me fall in the corners of my own

As a tear comes from inside
I feel like i'm gonna drown
and as i'm searching for something to occupy my mind again
I lay
Down on my bed
But then a picture of my soul shows me
there's no way instead

touch me
make me feel i'm alive
or forgget me
maybe i would die with time
love me
all i need is a hug
embrace me
'cause times are going too rough

and as i think i'm lost nowhere
i find where i am all alone
and as i'm desperating slowly just looking
at my night without stars
i pray
that someone could call
but then a picture of my own
tells me i'm made to fall

and it's a picture of my own
a picture of my own
a picture of my own
that's making me feel this way
and i'm so sorry babe
it's all so silent here
up here
here,here...

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall to down, like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on, for toy soldiers

I'm suppose to be the soldier who never blows has composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain't never suppose to show it, my crew ain't suppose to know it
But if it means going toe to toe with the Benzino, it don't matter
I'd never drag 'em in battles that I can handle 'less I absolutely have to
I'm suppose to set an example, I need to be the leader
My crew looks for me to guide 'em
If some shit ever just pop off I'm suppose to be beside 'em
Now Ja said I tried to squash it, it was too late to stop it
There's a certain line you just don't cross and he crossed it
I heard him say Hailie's name on a song and I just lost it
It was crazy, this shit be way beyond some Jay-Z and Nas shit
And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
This ain't what I'm in hip hop for, it's not why I got in it
That was never my object for someone to get killed
Why would I wanna destroy something I help build
It wasn't my intentions, my intentions were good
I went through my whole career without ever mentionin' [Suge]
Now it's just out of respect, for not runnin' my mouth
And talkin' about something that I knew nothing about
Plus Dre told me stay out, this just wasn't my beef
So I did, I just fell back, watched and gritted my teeth
While he's all over TV, down talkin' a man who literally saved my life
Like "fuck it I understand" this is business
And this shit just isn't none of my business
But still knowin' this shit could pop off at any minute 'cause...

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down, like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on, for toy soldiers

There used to be a time when, you could just say a rhyme
And wouldn't have to worry about one of your people dyin'
But now it's elevated 'cause once you put someone's kids in it
The shit gets escalated, it ain't just words no more is it?
It's a different ball game, callin' names and you ain't just rappin'
We actually tried to stop the 50 and Ja beef from happenin'
Me and Dre had sat with him, kicked it and had a chat with him
And asked him not to start it he wasn't gonna go after him
Until Ja started yappin' in magazines how we stabbed him
Fuck it 50 smash 'em, mash 'em and let him have it
Meanwhile my attention is pullin' in other directions
Some receptionist at The Source who answers phones at his desk
has an erection for me and thinks that I'll be his resurrection
Tries to blow the dust off his mic and make a new record
But now he's fucked the game up 'cause one of the ways I came up
Was through that publication the same one that made me famous
Now the owner of it has got a grudge against me for nothin'
Well fuck it, that motherfucker could get it too, fuck him then
But I'm so busy being pissed off I don't stop to think
That we just inherited 50's beef with Murder Inc.
And he's inherited mine which is fine ain't like either of us mind
We still have soldiers that's on the front line
That's willing to die for us, as soon as we give the orders
Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us
We'll maybe shout 'em out in a rap or up in a chorus
To show them we love 'em back and let 'em know how important it is
to have Runyon Avenue soldiers up in our corners
Their loyalty to us is worth more than any award is
But I ain't tryna have none of my people hurt and murdered, it ain't worth it
I can't think of a perfecter way to word it
Then to just say that I love y'all too much to see the verdict
I'll walk away from it all 'fore I let it go any further
But don't get it twisted, it's not a plea that I'm coppin'
I'm just willin' to be the bigger man
If y'all can quit poppin' off at your jaws with the knockin'
'cause frankly I'm sick of talkin'
I'm not gonna let someone else's coffin rest on my conscience 'cause...

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down, like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on, for toy soldiers

I'm exhausted

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life


Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can fell his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Be Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"A amizade é semelhante a um bom café; uma vez frio, não se aquece sem perder bastante do primeiro sabor."

Immanuel Kant

"Odeio quem me rouba a solidão sem em troca me oferecer verdadeira companhia."

Nietzsche

AMOTE

Eu, simplesmente eu....

Tenho a cabeça cheia de problemas, mas hoje foi uma noite interessante, peguei no carro e simplesmente foi dar umas voltas a Mangualde... acabei num bar, como se isso fosse novidade, mas parece que tinha de simplesmente parar ali... foi encontrar pessoas que já não via a muito muito tempo, mesmo anos... conversa puxa conversa, acabei por descobrir algumas coisas interessantes sobre o que pensavam de mim há uns anos atrás...

Acabei também por descobrir que as coisas que me desejaram, acabaram por ir parar alguns... já lá diz o ditado, não desejes ao vizinho que o mesmo vem por o caminho...

Mas apesar de tudo foi bom voltar a ver colegas de escola, relembrar as asneiras feitas, principalmente foi bom porque deu para rir, algo que já não faço algum tempo com vontade!!!!

Agora que estou em casa e penso na noite que passou, penso naqueles momentos todos, apetece-me sorrir... mas simplesmente não consigo, já estou uns quinze minutos a olhar para duas fotos que tenho na sala, uma delas é dos meus avós maternos quando eram jovem, o meu avô já morreu a muitos anos, as recordações que tenho dele, já ele era idoso, já usava bengala, mas sempre sorria, apesar das dores que tinha, quando me via entrar pela porta da casa, sempre disse que eu seria um traquina, já mesmo quando andava na barriga da minha mãe, mas também sempre me disse que conseguiria o que quisesse bastava eu querer, já a minha avó sempre disse que eu era um pestinha e um tolo, sempre me disse isso até falecer... apesar de tudo sempre os vi felizes, mas agora que olho para as fotos me pergunto se eles saberiam por tudo que ainda iam passar... se mesmo assim tomariam todas a decisões outra a partir vez...
A outra foto sou eu mais o meu irmão... eu não devia ter mais que 3 ou 4 anos de idade, com um ar tão inocente, sem saber o que ainda me esperava nós anos a frente... eu sei que não mudaria nada na minha vida, bem, se pudesse mudaria a noite de 10 de Setembro de 2004, uma noite que foi um ponto de viragem na minha vida, a partir dessa noite eu simplesmente perdi a fé em mim mesmo... sempre foi um lutador por o que queria na minha vida, a partir daí simplesmente me deixei levar por o dia a dia, e é por isso que cheguei onde cheguei... a um beco sem saída, estou num buraco tão fundo que simplesmente já não consigo ver luz no topo deste buraco que eu me encontro, e ainda por cima tenho pessoas que me atiram terra para cima, como simplesmente me quisessem atolar ainda mais... sinceramente já tive mais vontade de viver que agora, já tive mais habilidade de exprimir os meus sentimentos com palavras "caras"... agora só me apetece usar o calão e mandar tudo para puta que pariu está merda toda, que se vão foder todos que me querem ver mal...

Estou num buraco muito bem fundo, aterrado até ao pescoço, procuro ajuda, mas simplesmente não vem... apetece-me ligar a alguém, apetece desabafar... de certa forma já o estou a fazer quando escrevo neste blog, neste pedaço de blogosfera que a mim pertence, e que poucos sabem que existe... mas onde expresso o que quero a hora que quero...

Olho para o título deste blog, e simplesmente ao fim de escrever algumas coisas, mas reviver muita coisa na minha cabeça, vou simplesmente auto-ajudar-me, já que ninguém o faz, vou levantar a cabeça... vou virar mais uma pagina deste capitulo, e simplesmente viver, a partir da agora vou lutar por mim, peço desculpa as pessoas que estão a minha volta, mas agora não há mais Submundo para vocês... agora quero-me ajudar a mim mesmo primeiro, só para que depois poça ajudar quem vier, ou quem conseguir simplesmente ficar ao meu lado nesta fazê... sei que vou ser cabrão, estúpido, não compreensivo... mas simplesmente preciso disso, preciso desenterrar-me, preciso de sair deste buraco... vou ser egocêntrico, mas simplesmente preciso disso para mim... talvez vá passando e escrevendo algo por aqui, talvez não, simplesmente sei que ao fim desta longa noite, eu amanha vou acordar, e simplesmente vou lutar por aquilo que já foi um dia...